I feel like I don't need these feelings anymore. These feelings like sadness, joy, anger and pain. I don't need any of this. Because in the end, these feelings will not save me from anything I do. When I cry, I hurt those around me. When I smile, I hurt those around me. When I get angry, I hurt those around me. When I am in pain, I hurt myself especially...

So I feel like, you know, I should stop expressing myself so much. Right now, this is THE place where I shall and will ever express myself. I love this place. No one looks at it anymore. No one ever will. And because of that, I have the freedom to choose what I want to and choose to say.

I'm going to keep all my emotions until this time comes. I'm not going to be that happy-go-lucky girl you meet anymore. I'm just going to blend in the shadows. You might not like me but this is who I want to be. Maybe one day, some person would be able to read my expressionless faces...And maybe, that will be true love.

But until then, there is no need for me to express anything on the outside. There is no need for complain. There is no need for tears. I don't want to act cute. It annoys people. It annoys me to be annoyed. I feel so retarded when I do act cute. I feel so retarded to feel free. I feel so closed up in my own world where even if I express everything, no one will look at me. I am enclosed in a warped space where there is only me and Rui.

Everyday, I just want to go to my room and cry about everything that happened. I want to just scream and let everything out of me. I don't want to pretend to be happy. Neither do I want to show I'm sad. The only option is in the middle. I can only be expressionless. Like a robot.

"Dakedo mada tarinai, hitotsu dake dekinai. Sore wa KOKORO to iu" (But there is still one more thing missing. That is a HEART) -kokoro

I want to wait for someone to give me a heart and maybe, just maybe I might open myself up to the world again...

Ah  but that aside, maybe today was just as bad as the other days. Suckish and not suckish. Or just plain suckish. I don't really know. I don't want to remember. I remember that time CJ smsed me and comforted me. Maybe there won't be a moment like that anymore with anyone else...I don't know. I don't remember the last time I felt so wanted and so loved, so pretty and so adored. I can never feel that way anymore.

Yes, I'm still emo on the inside,
~Reina