Everything you hated.

Dirty-minded people.
Sex.
Lust.
Liar.
Feminine.
Uncaring.

You used to be so pure and innocent. Not knowing anything. Only knew what was right. Never wanted to know what was wrong. I cared for so many people. You loved everyone. You were a prince in disguise.

Then everything changed.

You started thinking about sex all the time. Furiously looking at other people with the same mindset. Talking about porn with those similar.

You've become the monster you never wanted to be. The very monster you hated so much. The person you never wanted to be.

What have you done to yourself...?

What drove you to this?

Hallucinations. Voices. Lies. It all contributed. They told you so much. They told you, you weren't good enough. They told you, she was better. They told you, he didn't want you. They told you, everything will fall apart.

You were scared. You started shaking and shivering. You wanted to run away from everything. Yet, you wanted to solve it all. Your own way.

Mistakes. So many mistakes. Cruel mistakes shooting from you one by one.

What happened...?'

Then you let everything out one day. It hurts too much. The pain is killing everyday.

Just die already...Please...

~Rinko

Have you ever felt crushed upon?

Everyone praised your artistic talents. They knew you would get the highest in art. They trusted you.
Then SHE came along and crushed upon you. She got the highest. You failed. Who won?

Everyone praised your singing. They kept wanting to hear more. They liked you.
Then SHE came along and crushed upon you. She sang melodious. Everyone wanted even more. Who won?

Everyone praised your natural beauty. Everyone praised about you.
Then SHE came alone and crushed upon you. She was more beautiful and kind. Everyone liked her. Who won?
---------------------------------
I will become skinnier for you.
I can't become shorter...or cuter for you.
I can't be prettier for you.

But I swear. At least I'll be smaller. At least I can become skinnier.
I swear. I'll change my character. I won't be so immature and stupid anymore. I'll become more mature for you. I'll change my ways.
I swear. I won't depend on you so much. I'll let you have space, freedom to talk with other girls. I won't care for it anymore.

Please. Don't leave me...

I'm already being crushed upon. I'm being defeated everywhere I go. I'm paralyzed. I'm numb. All with pain from just my heart.

I'm sorry I can't be as beautiful as her.

I'm sorry I can't sound as nice as her.

I'm sorry I can't be as horny as her.

I'm sorry I can't be as happy as her.

I'm sorry I can't be as smart as her.

I'm sorry I'm no good.

I'm sorry... I'm sorry...

I existed. I hurt. I damaged. Yet I still live. Why? Why did you choose me and not her...? I don't know why...lust or love...restraints or pity... Haha...

I'll stop my breaths for you. I'll stop my blood for you. I'll stop my soul for you. I'm willing.

So that's why. I can become skinnier... I'll spend lesser money. Then I won't complain about being fat anymore.

She can't grow slim. Hah. At least I can. I can make it. You'll look at only me. You'll love only me.

It itches. The old wounds.

~Rinko

Yea. Hai.

Long time no blog. Haven't been really depressed lately.

Updates? Kind of let go of her...Got a boyfriend, lasted one month with him already. Yay.
Problem? Is it me or am I getting more paranoid? Does he still love her? She, after all, was someone he loved so much, much more than I could ever love her. Well, maybe not, but still...I don't think he loved anyone like he did with her. And now...he chose me over her. Yeah, surely it means something but... What if he still has feelings for her? Meh.

Today when she came over to say hi to me (was beside him lulz), she waved at him too. As she walked away, I could see at the corner of my eye (BIG EYES FTW) him staring at her as she walked away, happily chatting with her group of friends. He continued staring until I hit him. Hah. What a dork. "Too mesmerised by her beauty eh?" a joke. Meh. His reaction was so strong, I could feel it. Lies.

Meh, was right after all. 7th Feb, broke up, patched back on 7th March, broke again after his camp then patched back on 27th March. Until now. God, I don't know how I survive all this. Power of love? Meh, depends. Cursed 7. 7th May coming...scared. Don't want to fight anymore. Promised to go his house on 22nd. He's so excited for it...

He knows I hate liars. He knows. He knows I hate horny people. He's everything I hate and yet...lol. Why do I love him? Meh. Lies.

Deceiving myself everyday. Keep thinking the world as a small innocent place where I can play like I used to. Haha. A place where everyone can be happy when I am...Don't think it pretty much exists.

-----

All that crap. Haha. Erm. Maybe I'm a tad bit too jealous here...but still. Wanting to kill her...is it a bit too much? No, not her. Myself. Hah. Right knuckle and wrist are swollen and bruised due to massive wall punching. Meh don't care. Will continue tomorrow. No time to let shit out now. Cried for 2 hours straight, enough liao. Mehhh

~rinko

Yesh, as mentioned, I has moved on to tumblr. I might come back here once in a while but not as often as tumblr (cos to me, I like typing tumblr rather than blogger HAH)

Soooooooooooooooo

I am finally putting my tumblr link here.
Makeup/YouTube shit: http://bleach565.tumblr.com/
Useless rants on emo shit: http://r4rinkoramble.tumblr.com
Vocaloid (I haven't updated though): vocaspazzim.tumblr.com
RANDOM SPY STUFF LOL: ura-omote-yandere.tumblr.com

Ahhhh god. This is so hard to say but...
I'm writing a story. It's either gory, sad, emotional or goddamn romantic. Ok, maybe not gory...LOL. I want my girl to read it so...~
~Rinko

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel so freaking suicidal now. It's a confirm everyone hates me. Nobody loves me anymore. I'll never get the chance to make everyone love me again. Because by then, I'm sure it'll be too late. I'm sure I'll be dead before that. There's no use to me living anymore.

I feel so fucking cold now. Even my tears are a source of warmth for me. Does that mean sadness is a warmth to me? Does that mean...to be happy...I have to be sad? I never wanted this fate. I never wanted to live. I never wanted to live through this hell anymore. I never wanted to be sad. I just wanted to be happy.

I thought I Was the happiest person alive. I thought my family was together as one. I thought I had the best friends in the world. I was wrong. I was so god damn wrong.
I have the worst family yet. I have the worst friends. Heck, I don't even have any. Why must the world be so cruel to me? Syahirah, is this your punishment for me? It's cruel. I can't believe my sin was  that bad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please, let me go already. I don't want to suffer anymore. I've suffered enough. I never stopped grieving for you. I was at fault. I always am. I always was. I always will forever be at fault.

I'm at fault for breaking my family apart. If I weren't there, papa and mama would just divorce already and wouldn't have to suffer. Abang will be at peace. Zana would never be treated like a maid again. Then that will be a happy family. No one will be pissed or annoyed at me. Everything would be so much better than it is now. And maybe, Syahirah would live through it and be with them. I still wish I could have taken your place instead. Everything would be better.

I have no friends. Ain is easily pissed. Affiq doesn't understand anything. These people, who I thought were close, can never cheer me up. I always feel more lonely with them. Just leave me alone...it's so much freaking better.

Damn...I broke my own promise. I let Rui out. Now she's not going back. I miss her.
~Rinko

So I'm done with Imitation Black ^^ Just left to do an English version for my Rinko565 channel. Woots. Ahh so now, I'm fucking satisfied with my awesome Len attempt and I'm planning to do Gekokujyo all by myself. That's right, Rin and Len! Cos I can't do rapping (Juvenile LOL or maybe Gemini) nor can I be a super shota -insert random shota songs in here-

So Len in Gekokujyo? Perfect. Huzzah. I think I'm gonna ace this. But I got no time to record tomorrow -cries- Stupid literature. Must do props at Enwei son's house with the gang tomorrow. Aww gawd. I wanna sleep sia -cries somemore- ARGGH!!

So the Bad Apple!! cover ain't up yet right? LOL I fail so much at it I didn't feel like posting it. Though I did post a Kandakaine Rein English cover: http://twaud.io/Fq5


Shou...me is gonna leave it up here for all to listen to. It's ok-ok to me. I mean, Western people don't like high-pitched voices D:

Ending here. Nights?
~Rinko